Accidentally called my german friend 45 times from within a bar at an unrespectable hour, while delivering an enthusiastic monologue explaining “back & forth forever” to my companions;;;;;; dreamt I fell off a snowy mountain and N pulled me back up, and I collapsed into his arms when he saved me, and gazed into his eyes lovingly — and he had eyeliner on!!!!!! but I didn’t even notice I loved him so much; then dreamt my 5-year old daughter was a complete spoiled brat, and when she wrote her name in crayon on my table it was the name of my student ;;; then woke myself up at 4am sitting upright in bed hurling my nightstand with its stack of 20 books and other accouterments to the floor;;and then wondered why am having tension headaches?????????
I loved you. I was a pentapod monster, but I loved you. I was despicable and brutal, and turpid, and everything, mais je t’aimais, je t’aimais! And there were times when I knew how you felt, and it was hell to know it,…
—(lolita)
gift from tad
So in light of the 100-year anniversary of its demise, I resurrected my childhood obsession with the titanic and thought about it endlessly for a week straight. The titanic!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just think about this for a second…the ship hits an iceberg, and a first class passenger runs to his room to collect his things. He has $30,000 in his room safe and about as much money in uncashed bonds, and what does he take? A good-luck charm and 3 oranges.
Speaking of maritime disasters I dreamt I had to audit a class for which Tad Draw was the teacher. It meant we had to reconcile in his Jeep. Turns out, he got married. He seemed offended that I didn’t know about it, insinuating that I had hidden his newsfeed from my facebook, which of course I had. In self-defense I said “well I wasn’t invited” and he looked at me with his eyebrows raised and said “And I think that’s for the best”, to which I agreed. The decision was made to buy eachother “forgiveness gifts” — he was going to buy one for me because he had “missed my birthday” and I was going to buy him and his Bride a “belated wedding gift” — the stipulation was that we had to buy them from the Jewel, because we were idling in the parking lot there. Suddenly everything became a hysterical good time, because we had to run all through Jewel and make do — I was SO pleased with my creativity and I felt like a great friend because I found a Hard Day’s Night coffee mug for him and then bought them both a Bonsai tree, which quite frankly I think is a very nice gift. Then I see that bastard walk past the aisle with the gift he’s picked out for me under his arm as I consider adding a cake or pie to the mix — it’s a 12-pack of Root Beer. Just what I always yearned for Tad, a 12-pack case of a useless soda, thanks a lot.
sleeptalking on tape
“I asked him ‘are you ok?’ and he said yes…but he’s NOT”
- “He’s not okay?”
“No………………….. ……………………… …………….. …. …………. ….”
- “Why not? Are you awake? Why isn’t he okay?”
“Because he cleaned his soul”
to c feel like a stray cat that hangs around the porch and after a while starts to become endearing..like if there was a thunderstorm he’d suddenly feel worried and get a flashlight and peer around for me saying “here cat” until someone from inside the house finally yelled to see what he was doing out there in his galoshes. sure c can be harsh sometimes, but I get the impression that he genuinely cares about my success. I’m glad he can be harsh..when I was weeping like a miserable fool once he told me not to use my misfortune “as a crutch” — he was right and I honestly needed someone to tell me that straight. Meanwhile, t said my name in the stairwell with despair and so naturally I was in love for a second — only because t has that nice voice and I know what he thinks, and he is a strong, confrontational man. The kind of man that answers your questions, if you know what I mean. It’s therapeutic to hear my name spoken in his voice is all. lastly, michael caine — I’m speechless because of you.
Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you.
—Ovid
fire foo started
So Foo and I burned the house down, and while it was burning each of us was privately concerned with one thing and one thing only: I ran to my room and started thrusting my clean clothes and blankets, like water from a sinking ship, into the closet so they wouldn’t smell like smoke — ever since my dad smoked cigars in the house for 15 years of my childhood “things smelling like smoke” has been my greatest domestic fear and I’ll go to great lengths to prevent it. Meanwhile, Foo was too busy mating with The Blanket to notice the fire. His relationship with this thing is so pitiful I can hardly stand to observe it..I believe it’s the only thing besides me he’s ever loved, and the caveat is that it’s inanimate. It’s giraffe print and when it hangs off the couch he relentlessly circles it with this anxious expression on his face and also tries to grab it and put his hands on it, and he just collapses right through, like a little amorous bull charging the red flag. So the house was burning and he was doing that — meanwhile I was trying to ameliorate “smoke smell” with no concern at all for the month-old linguini and plastic cutting board literally engulfed in flames in the kitchen. Naturally, before I knew it was myself that was once again responsible for endangering our lives, turning the stove burner on unknowingly with my wild hips and igniting every item in my hoarder-kitchen, I blamed the neighbors for “forgetting their pizza” and wondered if the miniscule amount of smoke produced from a slightly-overcooked oven item would drift up through the vent from downstairs…
meanwhile, c cannot believe I put waders on today and went into the crick. I received this ominous comment, regarding events in my life, in a liverpool accent: “yer goin’ down a slippery slope there, nah”. He is sort of right about that.
neuter
Me: Hi, my rabbit’s getting wild, I’d like to arrange to have him neutered.
Vet: Sorry, he’s what?
Me: He’s wild?
_____
Him: You probably think I’m crazy…I probably am.
Me: I don’t think you’re crazy, I think you’re a brute.
Him: I don’t like to hear that.
